jjldee64

Thank you for the gentle (quiet) rainfall and the sunny blue skies that followed.  The decreased humidity and gentle blowing wind.  The movement of the willow allowing daydreams to set in.  The sun played hide and seek between the swaying of the leaves flirtaciously.  It was a nice day after all.  Thank you God.  Another day of positive accomplishment both within and without myself.  More organization and more assertions to satnd my ground with again an empowering feeling.  My housemate has gone on a week’s vacation and stated that upon return he would complete the outstanding work especially the deck.  In an email this morning I stated my dissatisfaction with the jobs that hung on awaiting completion for over a month closer to two.  I really prefer to live in peaceful coexistence and do not relish the need for asserting or muscle flexing.  So the feeling of empowerment is bittersweet.  Jessie patiently awaits our ritual routine of bedtime and television.  I must admit knowing that I am alone again is this time comforting and freeing.  I do not need to wear a bathrobe or comb my hair for fear of scaring him and I can leave the door open or not as I chose.  As much as I do not like being alone I plan to enjoy this week.  I also do not wish to wait on him to paint my room -I am not crippled and have painted before.  It will please me to chose my own color and do what I can in my own time.  Taking up the carpet may present a bigger challenge but I have a young neighbor who said he would help me if I need help with anything.  It would give me great satisfaction to have completed this task on my own and hopefully send a message to him.

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This is a preview of what I plan to send to my daughter who continues to pressure me if you have time (anyone) please send me comments before I send- I am going to church and plan to send later today.

Carol

Last July you and Chip both made the decision to move again, without regard to my feelings or understanding or input.  I do not think you knew that I felt much as you do now.  I had the same questions and did not understand “why”.  The holidays were not a consideration nor were being so far away that I would not see you or the children except for video cam.  I could not see you logic and still kept my fears and concerns to myself.  It is not for me to question or stand in the way of your decisions but rather allow you to choose and be an independent couple.  I guess I just had to cut the cord.  Now on the other hand I need the same consideration and understanding and trust that I will make the same decisions independently what I do need is support in whatever my final decision is and not questions as to why?  If I decide  to stay here we can still visit and if I move there then we will be close.

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It has occurred to me that in order to get respect I must demand it and in turn treat my own self with respect.  Doing so includes organizing clutter) which drives me crazy), providing the basic routine care and treatment –same as I would provide to any patient or other person I have reached out to: i.e. clothing, vision, hearing, nutrition etc.

Secondly, dealing with the external issues one by one in order of their importance with trust that I am being given the guidance for which I have prayed.

I must also “remember consider.the lilies of the field…if God provides for them how much more will He care for me”?

I am in the baby steps of revival and renewal and though unsteady must keep trying even though I may falter or fall.

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The  following is an email copy sent to both my housemate and landlord and friend:

You stated “she wants to sell… she thinks I am …” In response to this argument I wish to say these are not the issue here.  The bottom line is you both contracted to a job(s) and a price and a completion date- any other input is not relevant.  Did the money come?  Did you start and finish the job(s) as promised by the date agreed upon?  These are the issues and nothing more is left to be said.

From my stand point: I am very disappointed for the following:

• I was in fact the middle man
• I was expecting to see work completed for my own enjoyment and improved quality of living
• I am living with tools and equipment all about upstairs and down
• I was expecting to be able to sit upon the deck with the dog thru the summer-it is almost over and I still cannot without keeping her leashed
• I had no intention of having to be the sole person to speak to Greta on her visit but I was left to face the issues and questions.  I do not think this was responsible or professional behavior.
• I feel our original agreement has been compromised and I am in the process of reevaluating what I am expecting and willing to tolerate or not. 

This came to me during a call of nature last night and before returnig to sleep I have it formulated in my mind- I wrote it and sent it and hopefully was correct in my response.

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Well I spent about as much energy talking to the dog thru this last storm which was not as violent as some. I kept up a constant incessant chatter to reassure her all was well. All while cleaning and straightening my bedroom, putting my dresser in order and hanging clothes. Occasionally I would yell at the thunder to go away- Thank God no one could hear me but the dog. I was up early and very busy, cooking, running to the store and art work in addition to the previous screen. It is 430pm EST and I am ready for bed _I am beat but I feel great at all that I have accomplished today. This is the first day in a couple of weeks that I have had this much energy or motivation and it is a “positive”.

I should have the entire place in great shape by this time next week since the forecast is exactly the same for at least the seven days to come. Maybe by then she will no longer be frightened and/ or I will have no voice.

My cataract is Wed and though it is a bit scary I am really in need of it. Once I can see what I have been missing I should also be thinner as a result of cleaning all that I currently miss.

Though I would like a nap I would be foolish to do so this early- then I would be up all night cleaning or organizing again.

Come to think of it I just remembered why I am feeling like I went to work out- yesterday I moved the oak (heavy ass) headboard looking for my glasses only to find them in my covers. later I fought with the computer for over one and a half hours trying to get the internet back up and running and finally after the circuit breaker tripped off and I flipped every “ freakin” switch to “fix” it found the frig not working. I proceeded to rearrange the kitchen and move the frig across to the other side of the room switched the monster microwave and standing cabinet. Yes I really saved the day and the food in the frig but found out that in missed of the switches and all was in vain. Goodie!

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Unless you know what a mean chicken is you will not understand this statement. I have had several opportunities to be taught not to play into this philosophy. It is not a fun thing and I will not be “played” anymore. I will not respond when asked to play nor will I play. I have had enough of BS in my life that I do not and will not be a part in some kind of joke.

Now on to more important things:

I am having another kind of game that I do not want to be a part of and that would be monkey in the middle. I am attempting to not engage in comments either way yet am solicited to listen. Regardless of the outcome I MUST remain neutral. However I have yet to speak my mind about being put in an awkward position last week -I am mulling over how to say what I need to say as effectively and concisely. I do not want to miss the opportunity to get my message across.

I am also having this guilt game from my daughter going. I pretty much know how to say what it is that must be said here but am just waiting for the “right moment”. It is clearly what she needs to hear but I am afraid that it will be a “bitter pill to swallow”. She does not (repeatedly) “understand why I would not want to be with family and grad’s that miss her especially when the holidays are coming and why I would not want to move to AR when I would save so much money”. The flip side is the convenience of having a built in baby sitter and financial source close at hand would be a benefit for both she and the 16 yr old who now baby sit. When last year she and her husband chose to move away the above were not a concern -love ones, holiday etc. I did not understand and it was painful to see them go (again) to the other end of the world (for me). I could not interfere in her autonomy in decision making and yet she wants to take away mine. It will be something she may fail to absorb but it is the same scenario in reverse without the same respect for a personal choice just guilt to the nth degree.

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I had to talk to the dog to try to calm her down -I promised her a “surprise” afterwards and so when the thunder let up I went out in the rain and did what I said I would -I am going to get a bottle of beer with a resealable cap and give hera half of a cup prior to thunder storms -she seems to like beer and maybe she will clam down

– she will probably be the onluy door with liver damage or an addiction to alcohol? only kidding but I am going to ask the vet about something-I have tried everything else that I can think of-it is like lliving with Marley

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My dog and I will endure another bout of storms tonight-we started off the day with them and I presume finish too.  She quivers and shivers and I am afraid whe will have a heart attack.  I cannot console her at all.

Had good news today: my budget for G&E is over $1400 in excess absolutely wonderful, maybe now I can get caught up with othr bills.

Back at painting, framed two today and boy do they look better.  I had  planned to mat them but the frame was too small-drat!

Tried to do a good deed today by taking the two women Wendy’s Chicken sandwichs but one does not eat from fast food places- man you try and try and what do you get?  “Another day older and deeper in debt…”as the song goes.  Made two trips up to bring pull carts from home (for grocery or laundry) along with some of the things just lying here collecting dust.  Better for church to get the money than having them sit idle.  It is part of our “time and talent pledge” concept.  The only thing is there are too few giving towards this but alleging that they are.  If equally shared things could be better run and more profitable by drawing in more for events to raise money.

Well I am hoping that the weather man is very off base their talking about southwest NY  be better if they were a few miles too far into the east.

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 Last night I slept well (without the dog barking at 230am). Of my dreams and they are many I remember dreaming of my ex-husband. The content was neither pleasant nor frightening. Living with someone who has drug addiction is a roller coaster ride in and of itself. One never knows what to expect or when. He had many episodes of MIA for days or weeks. I guess I allowed him to rob me of myself and my passions. It is much like a battlefield that a domestic violence victim goes thru. In fact I guess it was emotional as well as physical abuse and threats. I believed that he could change if I just believed and prayed. Much like the story of Peter Pan when tinker bell was dying and the child was told by her mother clap your hands and really believe very hard (this was from the movie ET when Drew Barrymore was the child)

I guess the best thing I can extract from the experience is an understanding of others who are in similar situations. I have learned for the most part they will not leave and will not discuss it even when bruised and battered. They are victims trapped in their own delusions and fears- confused and frightened.

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I have been lacking in my personal life is the expectation and insistence of respectful treatment from friends and family!

I have spent years doing without so others can have or be helped out of a jam, now I need to do as much for myself.

Everyone who knows me says the same words and I am thinking “Okay now if I must make changes then it will be like opening a can of worms”.  Now I will need to say “NO”! When it treads on my life I must stand up for me.  It will now be an easy thing for me to do and I will probably have a few back sliding moments.

I need help and there is no one to help me.  My best friend will be both surprised and taken back when I decide to state my own requests or should I say demands.  I believe that it will become empowering situations which grow into a different me.  Whether people like the changes or it must be accomplished.  I will have to think things through carefully before making a decision and even leave a door open for escape if I have to go back.  My first three things will be my living arrangements, second my daughter and third my housemate will need to go.  I do not expect that it will be easy to tackle but I pray God will give me the strength and the words to handle it in an assertive way yet firmly.  It is a scary thought but in each situation I must remember not to waver.

Please pray for me for help in dealing with these three things.

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