MORE-Things that plague me in the middle of the night: 

•October 30, 2022 • 1 Comment

Note this topic will be continued as revelations occur.

Command Central is an expression used by my ex which refers to his computer, speakers, and other electronic devices. He spends hours there playing computer games, reading the msn homepage, and checking banks balances as well as email inbox. Seldom will he write outgoing mail or initiate other activities unless there is a problem. It is the moment when his panic button gets stuck and I am called into action. 

During the night the term used above popped into my mind, why, you ask? I haven’t a clue! I was awakened to a “I have to go right now” bladder emergency and the activity apparently is connected to switch in my brain that turns on thinking verses sleeping. Therefore, I realized my ability to identify physical sensations, the possibilities or causes of nerve stimulation, and whether medication was indicated. For example, pain is a huge reason for the awareness of relief versus sleeplessness, implying that an action or decision is necessary.  

From the point of view of mental stimulation, my thoughts like lightning zip through other possibilities related to the original mental observation. One such thought is realizations of my unique ability to label and describe the site of pain, the type of pain (radiating or point tenderness), and the body position while sleeping. Examples could be numbness of my hand and lower arm, which might suggest cervical arthritis or peripheral neuropathy either one accurate (previously diagnosis). Given the former description in conjunction with the function of “command central” apply to the Brain. Now, backtracking to why I need Ambien, a hypnotic drug to help me sleep. The effects are within minutes of popping that “baby” and the switch for thinking is off and so am I. Shutting down the many urgent needs of the past twenty-four hours otherwise take priority to sleep.  

Although the drug works for a minimum of five hours, it can linger for a few more minutes, following a bladder run. Well, there are downsides to the medication too. Some reports of sleep walking, cooking, or even sexual activities have been identified. In my case, I have had some personal issues with this medication. One issue is the inhibition of dreaming and recalling the content of such activities. Dreams still occur but are much further out of reach. Many opinions on the purpose of dreaming over hundreds of years and psychological theories have been handed down. I find my dreams convey issues that need to be addressed, e.g., a broken telephone in an emergency relates to a problem with communication (which is often the case). Another, symbolic dream refers to a car traveling in one direction that cannot be stopped. The car is me and the behavior is the direction forward or backward that needs to be discontinued. 

I have begun making mental notes of certain significant mental messages in the night. Since my goal is to further my writing, it offers me a topic daily. It also allows me to move forward and freely associate my thoughts as if I am the therapist and an objective observer. However, identifying a problem area that indicates change, me, myself and I will reach a point of conflict and the analysis halted. The brain is the command post of the body or center. 


•October 29, 2022 • Leave a Comment

The terms and expressions of today have evolved into political correctness. Like “Woke” and “My Bad” annoy me. Many of the changes have deliberately generated confusion especially for the older generation (like me). How can the audience actually understand the conversations led by a moderator and digested and regurgitated by the panel who intend to sound so very knowledgeable? How many terms can you identify? Some examples

  • bandwidth – having time or space to fit something else into one’s workload
  • leverage – to utilize something that works in the company’s favor to create a competitive advantage
  • pivot – deciding to move away from an old strategy toward a new one that is very different
  • vertical – a particular line of business, such as products that target accountants or nurses
  • scale – having the ability to adjust the scope of something so that it will work for customers with different levels of need
  • takeaways – lessons that can be gleaned after looking at the results of an initiative
  • churn – this refers to losing customers; could also refer to high levels of employee turnover
  • empower – to give employees a say in how work should be done
  • stopgap – a temporary measure that will be put in place while attempts to identify a better solution continue
  • robust – something that is a powerful solution as opposed to having only minimal functionality
  • scalable – something that can be adapted to work in organizations of all sizes or with varying levels of need
  • tailwinds – capitalizing on the momentum that occurs when an idea or product first starts to catch on
  • transparent – making information available and readily accessible to team members who want to know

Lyrics of music that I love speak a message and the emotional component emphasized with musical accompaniment an example would be Climbing up on Solsbury Hill – Peter Gabriel or The Wall -Pink Floyd (the whole album) actually any of these or at least many of their generation music groups. Other intense music from Phil Collins and his absolutely emotional, In the air tonight or I don’t CARE ANYMORE!

My preferences are very broad and include Classical, Opera, Jazz, and a variety of New Age instrumental pieces like Ambient Music :Com or The sound of like Space Oddity David Bowie


•October 29, 2022 • Leave a Comment

I am still requiring much redirection for positive thinking. I am the outlet for people to vent, most of venting is negative which I internalize and then my response is to find solutions (as a nurse I readily accept but should not)! Every day repeated phone calls but there is not “outlet” for me.

Humor and music are ways to relieve the emotional moods. Music absolutely has the capability to take me to another place. It is freeing and can evolve into creativity. Creativity is another outlet that I have but am not applying.

I blame myself for behaviors and stand as emotional judge and jury, penalizing and unforgiving, harshly reprimanding night (more than) day. Night is a dark place where distraction is gone. A place where my inner voice just will not “shut up”!

My mission today is to be kind and loving to others but more to myself. My inner child blossoms with acceptance, love, and laughter. Laughter is a gift that I must give myself. When I promote laughing at myself, I allow others to join in but if permission is not given, I seethe. Today join me and laugh!


Why do we spend so many dollars on outer space knowledge and space travel?

•October 28, 2022 • Leave a Comment

The billions of dollars spent on this topic seem to me to be a tremendous waste of time, knowledge, and really are we going anywhere else? The junk from worn down, broken or damaged test runs, pollute the universe much like the way we have cared for our home (earth). The same amount of money could be directed toward clean-up here or helping the people starving or victims of disasters. Think how the ultra-rich spend their money building and sending space ships to go where(?) 

On the same thought of wasted money, the political donations to “buy control” over decisions to enhance the donors’ income, is obscene! Big money, dark money, I mean Really? The idea of cutting SS income, Medicare, & Medicaid, for seniors is another very sick idea! The same politician who dreams up these ideas make six figures of reported income, not to mention the lobby income or donation income that is misappropriated. 

Disservice to the voters

•October 27, 2022 • 3 Comments

Things that plague me in the middle of the night: 

Is “sedition” the same as Treason? Is the “big lie” replaced by the “new big lie” (truth)? How does one vote “make a difference”? Are politicians greedy and power-hungry; what percentage of these are in your estimation? 

Do the average voters realize the consequences of voting to take over the House with the promise of removing human rights, democracy, the right to make personal choices like same sex or interracial marriages, and Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid?  

Why don’t these questions get addressed by the media (rather than regurgitating and speculating)? How many news watchers know the messages of the news anchors (using big words, or 2022 catch phrases like “woke” or existential, quid pro quo)?  

Midterm Elections and serious consequences to everyone if the GOP succeeds…

•October 19, 2022 • Leave a Comment

I am so very upset to know the intentions of the GOP who plan to take over Congress (either house or senate or both). We can plan to have our constitutional rights stripped, voting, health decisions made by the state for now women only, gun control, marriage equality, Social Security and Medicare cuts for the elderly and more. I am absolutely certain the “Republican voter” who have the label burned into their brain is not open to facing the reality of the damage facing everyone.

It is not a playing field where the team who wins is the Leader; these politicians are playing for the highest payers (lobbyists and multimillion donors) and their own riches and power. The arena is currently based largely on liars and deniers, conspiracy theorists, and whack jobs who attack others. Domestic terrorists support these politicians based on the lies. They are largely “white supremacists” who also claim one religion (Christian) is the only one: racist, anti-Semitic, anti-Muslin, anti-everything that is not within their beliefs.

My frustration is “How to do my part to warn others?” I am one Small voice “crying in the wilderness!”

Senior Aging Changes Are Different

•August 5, 2022 • 1 Comment

Speaking with my N/P Psychologist and stating my issues and concerns, I realize she is not in tune with the changes of the elderly. I believe her practice caters to the young adult and the generation of her own age.

Sadly, she only prescribes medication and has an appointment only to continue medications. Due to the pandemic, the office is working on phone visits or virtual visits. As a registered nurse myself, I am aware of my short comings. My overall health changes have seriously impacted my mental attitudes and yes I am more depressed over the past year. My vision in my right eye is so bad that I cannot see. As it turns out I have macular degeneration age related which began as dry and converted recently to wet. Simply put the former requires no treatment while the later means periodic injections of Avastin into the eye.

My hearing has required hearing aides and monthly payments for three years. My education has stopped due to my sight and my maximum financial aid. Other aging changes common to everyone includes arthritis and pain, isolating related to hearing difficulties, fear related to the pandemic, and fear of exposure to social events that include mass shooting and other terrorists (domestic and foreign). Financial limitations and political proposals to cut Social Security, Medicare, and for Veteran Benefits. Not to mention, the political approach to erode and change Democracy into Autocracy limiting the rights of the current Constitution.

Many also realize the reality of “Life’s expiration dates” that alone for some consumes a depressive condition. The fact that one of these issues has a huge impact on the senior’s mental condition, but combine all into one and “Yeah” it takes a gerontologist to understand. Comments of an unprepared professional who sums things up in a flippant remark(s) is insulting and ignorant, not to mention infuriating.

Aging and Depression are related to many aspects but lack of control are the main problem.

•June 7, 2022 • Leave a Comment

As children we are taught to control our behaviors, set goals, be independent, and take charge of our lives. During adulthood we succeed at jobs, mature, set goals, and adapt fairly well with changes. However, as aging adults, we begin to forget, muscles atrophy, and we begin to become more dependent on others. The world of our youth is changing and we are most likely having difficulty keeping up with the technological changes- smart phone, Alexa, smart television, ear buds, audiobooks, and more. In other cases, our health becomes complicated with stress and we are less resistant to diseases or conditions like heart disease, hypertension, vision, hearing, and other degenerative problems.

Today we have become socially isolated related to two years of pandemic, we see on the news the rise of domestic violence and terror, political disease, and world players threatening nuclear attacks. We withdraw in fear and seek safety. We have no control over the external threats. In fact the recent shooting of shoppers in stores like Walmart, or in Buffalo the Tops Market, even schools and churches are subject to shootings or other violence.

I am subject to these stressful internal and external pressures and tend to limit my outside contacts. I think it is possible to create an environment with control but it will take work. Make lists and spend time talking to others, talking to ourselves (to encourage and make affirmations to realize we can control things to a degree). Understanding how to construct the power we do have and accept the power of control outside our control, is an important piece of adapting in spite of changes. I was taking college courses to keep myself structured and in the past few years completed my Bachelors degree in nursing, my Masters degree in nursing educator, and working on another Bachelors in Psychology, but the financial aide about to cut off require halting the process. For weeks now, I have withdrawn and escaped reality becoming a “couch potato” and wallowing in the withdrawal of defeat. Today I have set to correct this situation, I have many things to be thankful for and have many advantages right here in my little world. I have two dogs who are unconditionally loving. I have artistic abilities and can use them to create with paints, with writing, and organizing my inner world. It is unacceptable to give in without even trying. With my background, my nursing knowledge, my sense of humor and empathy, I can control some of my life even at seventy-eight.

The world we are living in has sadly changed.

•May 26, 2022 • Leave a Comment

Over the past six or so years I have become more aware of the political arena. In my estimation this world has become more chaotic and self-serving. We are currently a Democratic party government having the majority. The up coming election may change the balance. How, you ask? By casting your informed vote. The basis for your informed status evolves from the campaigning and the promises and lies to get elected. Rarely do the elected actually focus on those same goals stated in pre-election speeches.

Many become infected with a condition of self-importance, they assume the “power” of their position and become subject to temptations like accepting lobbying money which will “buy” their vote. The last concern quickly becomes the voter who believed the promises of campaigning. Over time trading votes for favors negatively affects the voters too. Self-serving, lining one’s pocket, and self-importance promote the inward belief that the official is above the law. To validate this fact one can simply research the data seeking the politicians who abused their power and were caught by the law enforcement agencies.

In this past year, the states like Georgia, Texas, and Mississippi have sought to ban abortion, decrease voting options like mail-in ballots, closing polling places making it more difficult to get to the polls within the time allowed. These are two examples of living in a time machine moving back years taking voter rights and human rights away. However, the topic of Gun Control and safety is moving forward. Mass shooting with military rifles and massive sleeves of bullets can be purchased to anyone at any age as long as they can pay. Certainly the cries of gun owners regarding their rights to own guns, is true. But unless hunting a herd of elephants or charging rhinos, a rifle or hand gun is sufficient. The only military type rifles should be used in the Armed services not on the streets of America. This week the NRA will meet with politicians to reinforce the necessity of gun rights. Those politicians who will vote to promote the sales of AR 15 style guns, should be made to see first hand the deaths of the nineteen third and fourth graders butchered this week by a eighteen-year-old, in a school room. For each and every mass shooting these supporters of gun rights should be flown to the scene and among the first responders until they have a change of heart.

Politicians who work to thwart the rights of people should be voted out, they should be held accountable, they should, be called out and get the publicity they deserve. Politics is like a game being played against another team and the object is to win at all cost. The voters be damned.

Reflections from the last post…

•May 17, 2022 • Leave a Comment

Reading back I can see imperfections and room for improvements. To upgrade I now have a Masters in Nursing Education MSN and have gotten half way through the BS in psychology/addiction. I am tired now and taking a break. This past semester has drained me. My first thought was carrying two courses not a good plan. My second thought is age, third health. What ever it is, the lack of motivation is overwhelming. After ten days of “freedom”, I am bored (go figure). Boredom is not a good place for me. Freedom to think and question without feedback is like living in a vacuum, pointless.

My kids keep me on track as much as they can. Money is a big issue. They need grooming badly. The last time they slipped their harnesses (yes both at different times thank GOD). These are “escape proof” NO they are not unless my kids have been taking Houdini classes.

My “ex” is begging to use my car again and I fear I will allow it. In Jan. he had it for five or more weeks looking for a replacement car (his was totaled when hit by an eighteen wheeler without personal injury). Last week he had it for a week while his replacement vehicle was in the shop. I had to insist I have it back. Now he is requesting again since the rental car is $400 for five days. Last night I prayed for a tree branch to fall on it so he could not have it. What a wuss!