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I just read two more articles in the Law of Attraction Magazine on healing through the process of Reconnection it is an interesting concept and I am going to research it locally.  I have been depressed for years and in spite of medication have not been free from it.  I have a sense of real “guilt” but for what I do not know.  Sometimes I even think I feel guilty about the weather (LOL).  As ridiculous as that sounds I do experience so much guilt I guess that I am always trying to over compensate by helping others to my own detriment.  These articles are truly speaking to me in volumes.  I have become very interested in quantum physics and the Law of Attraction.  Of course there are some things I am a bit leery of like parallel universes and the concept of time travel (while I would love to be able to go back in time) are difficult to comprehend.  Many however do have very high IQs and are accepting and believing of these concepts through experiments.  Supposedly the scientists are building a time machine now; (If that is true I would gladly volunteer).  This publication has stimulated my interests and am trying to apply the concepts discussed to my own life and circumstances.  In this past month I made cognitive decisions to abort a promise to myself knowing I would not be satisfied with my choice and still I went forward thinking “I am bored”.  That excuse was not effective because I remained bored and now had more guilt to deal with for disappointing God and myself.

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Up early getting “coffee’d” up for my cataract (left eye) this am hoping thunderstorms don’t make the doctor nervous.  I am ready my poor brain wants to be able to see with two eyes and get the same message rather than trying to accept two conflicting reports from the “viewfinders”. 

Lately I have not slept well –worrying about the storms and we have had a few and the dog she has had a few too many.  Tried to read last night but it was a struggle.  This week should be interesting with eye drops L and R different.  I actually have to ask myself if this is for the Right or the Left eye before using them after this week they get easier since both are twice a day.  I had a bottle of art dye which looked like the eye drop bottle –a disaster waiting to happen.  I had to quickly put it in the drawer with other arts and crafts.

I went on to Facebook this am and see two criticizing Obama-now this pissed me off (one my uncle)- they were saying that Obama was in Hollywood raising funds- have they not seen the obscene funding from the billionaires that good old Mitt has gotten?  Do they really think this is about fund raising?  Are we being torn against each other over such ridiculous issues rather than standing united and expecting answers for why we are not having jobs and healthcare etc.?  This smacks of a “house divided…”  Too early for this ‘crap” anyway!

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I am dreadfully afraid of the Mitt/Paul ticket and wish to convince those who would vote for them they are wrong.  How do you stop a train wreck?  This is the worst of the worst and it is funded by mega millionaires who are concerned with “buying “their ticket for purposes of greed.  How can anyone want to seriously elect a pair that would consider “screwing those who have worked their life long and PAID for their benefits (and still pay monthly).  What is wrong with these voters who would even voice such an opinion?  Some of my family is supporters but I think they are sadly mistaken and if elected we will all suffer their absurd ideas.  I predict that they will be pargets for some slap happy radical and think if Mitt is taken out that leaves Paul and “you want that”?

They are on the same level of concern as the “major crack in the sun” uncontrollable.

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The day is beautiful and drier those days of late.  This is the first summer I can remember when we did not get a Canadian cool spell.  I had so wanted to be able to sit outside on the deck but it seems the past three months have been dedicated to other customers- even though he has been paid for completion of those jobs he started in this house.  It was for this reason I started to do my own room.  Now my room is also added to the list of jobs to be completed.  I am going to step up to the plate and get the job done if I can find the money to do it myself!   I am tired of waiting for my housemate o d the ethical thing and it would seem he is letting this house go to the last.

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The art exhibit was last night and as I expected none of the invited came except for my two friends from church and that includes the minister who said “good luck”.  This was translated into “I will not be there”.  On the whole the presentation was very nice and now that I am signed up for the group I will probably attend some of the lectures.  This month is based on Dutch influence in the area.  I have family who lived here since 1700’s and one mayor who was in office during the building of the Mid-Hudson Bridge.  My great Uncle Henry was postmaster general for the Poughkeepsie office for years and who was Dutch as was his sister my grandmother.  My other great grandfather fought in the Civil war and was an officer wounded in action.  Supposedly, also on my grandmother’s side we have Cherokee blood (a Indian Princess if you will).  So I guess you can say our family has been here for many generations when tracing back.  That coupled with the Irish and Scotch bloodlines on my mother’s side explain why when I get a little firewater to drink I want to dance. J

This week coming I am scheduled for the left cataract removal and I cannot wait-my poor brain does not know which eye to look out of or when.  I am in hopes that I will be in good shape by about Labor day- not too shabby.

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My “Life” has taken a new direction and I can actually feel it.  A month ago I was feeling depressed and could see only sadness and gloom but suddenly it has changed, maybe a change from prayer but not that only.  I have engaged in taking care of ME and now things are changing in a very real way.  I have joined the Mid-Hudson Heritage Center and am having art work shown stating Friday of this week.  I will go and represent myself to people I do not know and have invited several of my church members and friends to also attend.  Just showing my paintings is a very big step in self-recognition and belief in my talent s that God has given me.  I figure if people like “cave drawings” how can I go wrong?  A joke but not particularly funny I realize.  Seriously I have had one of my cataracts replaced and the second scheduled for Wed coming and that is one big step and another is that yesterday I contacted a debt consolidation company to assist me in getting my credit report on a upswing rather than leaving it where it is.  I have become more responsible in my attempts to correct my life within this past month or so.  It is the first that I am answering the question: “how are you”? by saying “Great”!  My one friend was completely taken back when I replied with this answer.  She said, “Really? That is wonderful!”

I must remember to thank God for all he has done to bring me to this place of mental change.

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I am looking at, reading and watching the GOP issues and really think someone should check their urine for drugs.  They (all of the politicians) have become drunk with power, greed and delusions’ of their own individual power if elected.  Of course they will present their ideas to congress and the house but if others do not agree these ideas will die in midair.  They will of course be obliged to present ideas which benefit their supporters and these ideas will have first choice over any that benefit the American people who elected them.  For me those who boast of raising money to exceed the opposing candidate(s) is both obscene and trivial in view of the issues facing the country as a whole.  It is demonstrating the power of money over the credibility of the person running for office.  As we all know advertisements and commercials can be convincing and misleading since they tell you (and me) just what we wish to hear and lie about the rest.  While there are some truths there are more misleading facts and dodging of the truth.  The percent of politicians in government are largely lawyers and they have the edge on twisting the truth until even they do not know what is real.  It would be nice if some candidate stepped in to the running without all of the false promises and debts to supporters.  It would be nice but unrealistic since they would be drummed out by those with money.

I still maintain that a cap be put on campaigning and any money over that cap should be matched dollar for dollar to be put toward more important issues like homeless, healthcare and feeding the underprivileged in this country (before sending to outside countries.  It could also be used as a stimulus for small businesses or larger ones who are hiring local or in this country making goods in the USA.

As for Roseanne Barr running for president –I find the thought as offensive as her rendition of a dinging of “the star spangled banner” on prime time.  Oh sure she is a comedian and that is what they do; they present material that is sacrosanct and offensive in the name of humor.  Humor is a vehicle for saying things really felt and with a twist of laughter to sugar coat the information that they present.  Lewis Black and George Carlon (spelling) are examples of what I am saying.  They speak what they perceived to be the truth and get laughter in return.

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I am excited to be a part of the art exhibit and have submitted six framed paintings for review which will be shown that night and for the following month. I have also joined the Mid-Hudson Heritage Center shich is where these are hanging. It is something new and different for me to be involved in and unlike me t o engage in this type of activity. It is a “good thing” (Martha). It is a step in self-recognition which is also something new for me. My work is usually very colorful and usually based around flowers which are a throw back from the flower shop my family owned and operated. My grandfather was always encouraging me to “create” thru painting or drawing. I remember a gift he once brought to me when I was about seven. It was a wooden box with oil paints however working with oil at that age was not something I was good at and the cleanup with turpentine was not something I was allowed to do either.

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I have dealt with my daughter and did actually tell her about the situation (which she cannot understand about my choices to stay in NY).  I spoke to her about my feelings when she left me to go away without consideration for my feelings- a situation in reverse but on the same plane.  She has since let this subject alone.  I am glad I took the input given to me from Anne Marie on FB.  She was right it was better however I did this after a couple of glasses of wine.  I am such a coward.  Now I am contemplating how to approach my sons.  I am definitely in a space where I feel healing is necessary.  In church during the healing service there is a phrase that inspires me god keeps trying to reach us “like a mother who waits for her children to return back to her.

I am listening to ambient music it is soothing and easily promotes meditating.  I am a being who lives thru my senses.  The beauty of this world is visible in every aspect of the course of a day.  Last night for example I was busy doing whatever on the computer and almost missed the most beautiful sunset.  The sound of the night creatures or the locust or birds is all inspiring.  The feel of breezes or sun light on your skin.  The smell of leaves decaying into the earth or fresh cut grass is another sense to be roused.

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I am really proud of what I have accomplished this past week –it a week like no other.  I not only painted the room but cleaned the sofa and love seat arms and backs and washed the cushion covers too these two pieces of furniture look great.  I had gotten a product from QVC (yes they got to me).  It was really wonderful to see the two looking as though no children or pets or klutzy people (like me) spilled things on it.  Dirt and soiled spots came off- on some it took more elbow grease than others but it is a job I am proud to say cost $20 as opposed to whatever the going rate is for a professional to come in and do it for me.  About three years ago I had some fly by night come in and they used water not steam and it took days for the pieces to dry.  It did not even look as good as this either.

Today I took some more of my paintings to the gallery for the exhibition Friday night 5-8 pm- wine and cheese is you please (they kicked it up a notch- like Emeril).  I am excited and pleased with the pieces I have submitted.  I have however a flower fixation I guess it is from having worked in the florist family business.  I also have a tendency for lots of color and a piece or two has a Van Gogh style.  My ear has been starting to bother me- only joking.

When I went for eye operation I asked the anesthesiologist about propophol the Michael Jackson drug of choice, he told me they used it but not in this type of condition.  I asked him if I would have to “moon walk” to get it.  He chuckled and gave me versaid-a valium second cousin.  Well the next eye is eagerly waiting- my vision is so weird right now –with glasses my right eye is blurry without not-clear as day but without my left eye is blurry and with glasses not.  I really cannot wait to get both eyes on the same playing field.  My brain is really being challenged right now.

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