jjldee64

The roller coaster ride of life is so emotionally draining.  One day you are up and then the bottom falls out and down you go.  While I take antidepressants I still get very down.  Looking back over the years I truly cannot say I have really been happy.  I can get myself into more messes without even consciously trying.  It is sad to be lonely even the dog cannot take the pain away.  Oh she tries; she must have been a comedian in a former life.  Though she was fixed she is a good mother watching over me and I think she even worries if I am sick.  I got her at six weeks old and she is as much my baby as if I carried her within me.  She acts like she is the alpha dog and I am her litter mate.  She is very good at letting me know what she wants even lets me know when it is bedtime.  People think I am crazy because I cater to her and she is what I seem to live for.

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Sometimes I think especially after seeeing the same physician over years become selectively deaf.  It is important to think about your complaint and write down pertainent and descriptive feelings, sensations of pain, when pain occurs and any information like is it radiating from point A to point B, is it sherp stabbing or dull and unrelenting.

I am going to a Doctor for depression and I think he sees 12 patients in an hour-literally “time is money” he does not ask how do you feel and he does not do theraputic sessions but can prescribe medications as he must be clairvoyant or has a crystal ball.  It annoys  me no end but I am told it is how psychiatrists work.  Any general paractioner would not order insulin or antihypertensives without checking the information first i.e. blood glucoses, blood pressure readings etc.

When going in to see him or  her do not say fine thank you when asked how are you though it is a polite answer it somehow dilutes your complaint.

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I do everything to help others including sharing my car with my housemate for over six months.  I always seem to put me second to the wants and needs of others and then get annoyed when I ask for something and do not get it.  I asked for the patio table together since I cannot get the legs intno the slots, “I ‘ll do it tomorrow” but that  day has not yet come.  I am sure I can screw the rest of it together if only I could get those darn legs attached.  It should be easy for a man with muscles but definitely not for me.

When I look at my past it has been one repetition of events after another: I give and when I want do not get.  I guess that is the definition of a Codependent Personality.  At my age I probably won’t change part of it is because I need to be needed and would want others to be as goo to me as I am to them  In the bible it says “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”  but now I think it is more the newer version do unto others before they do unto you!

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For some it works well,others not at all and still others have disasterous effects.  I took it for over a year and during that perios raided the kitchen, made phone calls that I could not remember, and susained some severe injuries.

It is the latter that I wish to speak of:

• I had several falls which resulted in blunt hear trauma and one in which I passed out.
• I broke my wrist and kept telling people it was a sprain
• Fell out of bed face forward and landed on a glass (water size) smashing it and cutting my eyebrow, nose and into tear duct- thank God it did not injure  my eye.
• Dislocated my finger
• and many less significant strange behaviors

With each incidient I slept through until the drug wore off and I found I was in pain and covered with blood and glass.  I have since stopped this drug thankfully before I started walking naked thru the streets.  I have decided that in future surgeries Ambein would work and when I awakened the work done.

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I have watched several thought provoking documentaries on this subject and am both fascinated and confused. One is What the Bleep do we know with many recognized quantum physicians sharing their opinion.  The other is the Secret which claims the law of attratction is like attracts like and if you revel in worry and negative beliefs the universe will give you more of the same but on the flip side to be positive and to live in hope more wonderful things will be showered down on you.  Just the mind set alone is important.  If ten thousand things came your way and you were consummed with worry and doubt you probably would not see even if face to face.

I am so stirred my the concept that time travel and multiple universes are a possibility -it gives me a feeling of hope.  Hope is an essential ingredient for happiness.

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It saddens me because I found with coaching and encouragementI was able to render a likeness of my self (of course I did not put wrinkles in it) but the canvas is colorful and stands out nicely.  I absolutely love color and find these shades awaken something in side.  I previously purchased a kiln to do glass jewelry but after spending$700 was afraid to plug it in fearing the house would go up in flames.

I have spent $1000’s in art and craft shops and over the years sold or g ave them away.  It was so bac I had to ban myself from going into Michaels or AC Moore.  Probably it would not be an issue if I were not retired and had more money.  If I am stressed or depressed I can quite literally get lost in my work.

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Well the time has come for cataract evaluation and dilation of eyes (ugh) unny it did not bother me if my vision was blurry after a couple of glasses of wine but with eye drops  what a drag.  I was trying to be serious about macular degeneration which is hereditary and in conversing with the tech. I was attempting to say congenital or genetic but instead said it was genital.  How embarrassing my usual open mouth insert foot.

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As a nurse who graduated in 1964 I amd disheartened by the changes in medicine.  Back when patient care was personal and hands on with the patient’s concerns uppermost but now things are changing.  As a Patient in the h ospital two years ago I found the nurses aide did the interactions and vital signs not the RN.  The nurse pushed a cumbersome cart with medications and computer to each bedside which at night seemed to be the sound of a mac truck crashing into chairs to push his or her way thru the room to the patient on the far side of the room.

I a m not opposed to computers in fact my computer has become my best friend.  It is just that the energy of the nurse was more focused on her technological assistant than the patient.  The team of doctors nurses and the like were all supposed to be knowledgeable of each patient but when each came in to the room asked the same questions over and over, apparently not reading any reports or statements previously recorded.  It was as if you were being interegated for fear you might lie or have forgotten to say something pertainent.  If you had they did not read other enteries so what difference.  Some were concerned about patients but others were basically very distracted.  One  wonders if the recorded vital signs were posted by the CNA did the nurse have time to read and compare information with previous recordings and make assessments related to this vital information.

Being a nurse is a lot like detective work ppiecing crucial information together to provide an accurate evaluation of all of the parts.  And oh by the way what ever happened to back rubs?

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Dreams are where I get some of my inspirations and some answers to problems.  I once took a course on dreams and in the instructors opinion they are messages from the subconscious to the conscious but in code.  It is only when we are ready to accept the message(s) that the meaning will be revealed.  For example I had recurring dreams about ghosts and the light would put them at bay but the lamps did not work the bulbs burned out and they haunted me terribly.  When I realized the message that there were things from my past that needed be brought into the light to be understood, it was my task to explore these events.  Once I realized the meaning of the message the dream did not return.

Some dreams are forbodding and others leave you with happiness and messages of self worth -They all have one thing in common and that thing is symbols or special meaning to the dreamer.

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Dreams are where I get some of my inspirations and some answers to problems.  I once took a course on dreams and in the instructors opinion they are messages from the subconscious to the conscious but in code.  It is only when we are ready to accept the message(s) that the meaning will be revealed.  For example I had recurring dreams about ghosts and the light would put them at bay but the lamps did not work the bulbs burned out and they haunted me terribly.  When I realized the message that there were things from my past that needed be brought into the light to be understood, it was my task to explore these events.  Once I realized the meaning of the message the dream did not return.

Some dreams are forbodding and others leave you with happiness and messages of self worth -They all have one thing in common and that thing is symbols or special meaning to the dreamer.

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