A Story of the Death of the Unseen Soul
Sadly, I hear of the mistreatment of a young woman by her boyfriend. The story is one of Domestic Abuse and the death of a woman’s soul. It is not one of those Love stories giving way to happy endings but the erosion of hateful cruel miss treatment. The Abuse of words so razor sharp, cutting, and demeaning. The additional pieces of a “domestic abuse” include breaking the spirit of another. Pushing the woman away from friends and family, taking access to independence away from her like taking car keys, computer, and phone, leaving her isolated and alone with the children he created. Blaming her for everything real or imaginary, making her confused to the point of crying and to the point of believing she can do no better. After tearing everything down in her world, minimizing her worth, and feeling like it is time to say I am sorry, the cruelest of things to happen, apologizing and promising things that will never be, the scene becomes sexual and another link in the chain is created. A subsequent pregnancy and another inescapable responsibility for the woman. The beast who started the violence thumps his proverbial chest and claims how he works to “provide for her and the children.” He loudly professes he has needs too, after all he is overworked and needs to spend time with friends “hanging out” and “down time!” away from the dysfunctional home life he alone has created.
What Man needs to belittle a woman to make himself feel great? At the age of thirty with three children under the age of four, he feels he just needs to have fun away. What measure of a “Man” needs to be controlling and domineering, belittling and verbally beating the “woman in his life?” Why does he need to paint a picture of his own desperation in a situation where he “alone is the only one working toward a happy homelife” when in fact, this self-sacrificing heroic man is not suffering but causing the majority of suffering dysfunction?
The woman seeks comfort in food. She cannot see the “forest for the trees” meaning she is convinced she is the cause not the victim. He has peeled away any measure of security and confidence she had when first they had met. She cries and cowers when he becomes intimidating and overbearing, seeking to find tranquility; believing the relationship is one of love. It is not. It is a push/pull, hug and push away, control and humiliation. The very last thing here is love. She gradually loses her individuality, her self-esteem, her belief she can do better, why? because he has methodically torn these away from her, slowly and deliberately. The situation has evolved into an environment of name calling, loud ugly, rude slurs. This is not love, it is more like someone hanging onto a life-line for dear life.
Children in this “war torn” home life, grow up learning the worst mental games. Male children grow up with a role model who is cruel and hurtful and females see a role model who is subservient and clinging. Dysfunctional destructive home environments set up addiction scenarios seeking to quell the noise and find comfort in unhealthy ways. And in the most extreme situations feed into actual killings or suicides. Children did not ask to be born and if given a choice would likely choose to have love and acceptance, happiness and hope.
How do we the onlookers and outsiders, help to change the situation? What should we do to first help the woman? We should be supportive and provide clear simple starting places. Obviously, both parents need separate “corners” to clear their thoughts and envision the reality that exists, even those that are ugly and hurtful. Each person should have therapy and for starters anger management. The domestic union may never actually survive but the people should be able to mentally house clean and clear away the false beliefs. For example, a man who has fathered three children, should decide if he wants to be the father figure or the bachelor. Undeniably he has a financial responsibility toward child support but he also has a need to stop making more children. He will blame them for feeling trapped. The woman who believes she feels useless and hopeless needs support systems with family and friends. Introjecting woman support groups can be therapeutic for not only her but the children.
Lastly, prayers are needed from the outsiders. Objective observations must be verbalized, calling out those things that are wrong or untrue must be made. Clearly the outside family, friends, and coworkers should ask questions and point out the contradictions.
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